What a Terrific War!

– The US and Israel have invaded Iran and everyone in the world couldn't be more happy –

Transcript

Thanks, everyone, thank you for listening in.

It’s great that the United States is involved in another pointless war again. It brings back fond memories of the invasion of Iraq in 2003. That was a fantastic one. I liked the fact that Iraq was just minding its own business, and suddenly the once-respected Colin Powell goes into total propaganda bullshit mode and gives a presentation at the United Nations, where what he called the moving around of nuclear materials turned out in the end to be trucks with some stuff in the back. Some reports said that were Amazon deliveries.

All sorts of wonderful things happened. The president at the time, genius and part-time animal painter George W. Bush, showed up on an aircraft carrier wearing a full-on pilot outfit, where the straps around the genital area made it look like he had enough fire power in there to wipe out the whole goddamn Middle East. That wasn’t a banana in there: that was full W junk being primped up to make it look huge, like he had a cosplay date later with Kristi Noem.

Unfortunately, perhaps due to the pressure on his groin earlier in the day, he also prematurely ejaculated about victory during a speech later by displaying a gigantic MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner right behind him on the ship. That was May 1, 2003; the war ended and the American troops pulled out in 2011. Hey, what’s eight years between friends?

And just to finish off about that war, hardly anyone was killed. That’s part of what made it so special. Well, there were 4,500 US soldiers that were killed, but you have to put that into the context of how the Defense Department counts casualties:

·        more than 1,000,000: a lot

·        100,000 to 1,000,000: a fair number

·        10,000 to 99,999: several

·        less than 10,000: hardly any

And of course standard protocol is not to really count the dead evil-doers on the Iraqi side: it was only about 200,000 people anyway, mostly innocent citizens and children.

But here we are in 2026 and the glory of a war in Iraq has a good chance of being experienced again. After a couple of attempts by Trump and the Defense Department to say exactly why it was necessary to invade Iran—threat of nuclear weapons, some poorly made kebabs and stews that were rumoured to have caused food poisoning—they’ve finally alighted on regime change as the main reason. Regime change. That’s one of those terms that you can throw around casually and after a while you’re not even sure what it entails. You hear change and you think of Taylor Swift and the multiple costumes she rolls out during a single concert. You hear regime, and you think of that cute, ripped bodybuilder at the gym who regales you with the details of his workout and his diet. But let me put it in schoolyard terms. Regime change is what happens when Donnie doesn’t like it that that immigrant kid named Tollah somehow became captain of the soccer team, and so he beats the shit out of him one day after school, and Tollah has to wear a cast for the rest of the term.

Can I say that this war, by Trump in the US and by Benjamin Netanyahu in Israel, is a bit frustrating? Obama had worked out an agreement with Iran that kind of solved the problem, but Trump, encouraged at least according to the version of  the pee-pee tape that I’ve seen, Trump tore that agreement up. It was a bold act, though somewhat less wet and unhygienic than what went on with those two hookers in that same hotel room that Barack and Michelle had stayed in. And now without that original agreement made by a non-white president, it of course doesn’t make sense to negotiate another agreement: it’s best to just try to bomb the fuck out of them. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

It’s only Day 5 of the invasion so it’s hard to know how much of that shit is going to hit a fan and then be deflected back, but so far, everything is looking good. Dead American soldiers are well within the “hardly any” category at only six. Perhaps the worst outcome so far is that FIFA, the international soccer organization, has demanded that President Trump give them back their peace prize. I find that a bit pre-emptive and petty. I mean, how can an organization that doesn’t even know the difference between soccer and football be expected to know how many people you have to kill to have peace?